The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
