My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
