But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
