I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
