How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
