The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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