there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
