Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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