i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
