I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
