Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
