I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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