I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
