As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
