ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
