i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
