Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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