My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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