At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
