well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
