Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
