hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
