I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
