Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
