I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
