do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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