dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
