I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
