in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
