If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
