Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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