I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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