I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize