see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
