I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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