Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
