My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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