She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
