I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
