I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
