We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Shame - the story of my life.
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