I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize