Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
