Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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