masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
