Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
