I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
