drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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