Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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