shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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