just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
